After watching the PBS documentary American Promise, I had mixed feelings and wondered how others felt. For me it was both fascinating and emotional. The documentary covers a twelve year period in the lives of two young black boys attending the prestigious Dalton School. The parents then wrote a book, Promises Kept, that shared how they felt and what they learned. As an African American boomer parent of a male child, I have a longer historical lens. My son attended private school in New York city. So watching some of the documentary scenes brought back feelings of horror. It made me question my motivations for subjecting my son to a sometimes hostile environment for reasons I believed would benefit him long term. I wondered what Idris’ parents were thinking when he asked them after a particularly tumultuous day at his school if his life would be better is he were white, a question to which they offered no answer in the film.
In spite of what I am saying, I know they loved their child and they were in as much pain as Idris. I am convinced of this.
But I did not know who they were. What kind of life did they lead that they seemed so inept in dealing with their son’s emotional and social problems. Why do we not see them actively advocating on behalf of their son. Why don’t they talk about what is wrong with them rather than their child. Why can’t they come up with any solutions. Between the two of these fiercely proud, Ivy League educated parents, it seems they should have been able to do better….I think or it seemed. These were my questions when the documentary ended.
Their goal, according the epilogue of Promises Kept was:
- to raise national awareness of some of the obstacles that black males face;
- to provide black boy’s parents with tools and information that they can use to support their sons now so that they thrive even as change unfolds;
- to have measurable impact on black males’ collective academic achievement as the nation embarks upon the new Civil Rights movement: attaining education with equity for all children -a lofty goal that may take decades to achieve.
So I was happy to see that Joe Brewster, MD and his wife Michele Stephenson (with Hilary Beard) addressed some of these questions about themselves that shed light on their own behavior and addressed questions this one boomer had in viewing the original documentary.
Promises Kept is indeed dedicated to all the male children of color who society either does not recognize or cannot see because they are not white. Because they are raising two black male children, they decided to offer a series of very concrete life strategies to help other parents of brown and black males navigate a racist educational experience.
Readers realize quickly that the book is composed of lessons. Lesson one begins before a child is born and encourages parents to make the right choices before your child’s birth. Your first promises before birth is that you will do your best for him by doing your best job to prepare yourself to be his parent.
The lessons continue with your promise to feed your child’s brain; to be their first teacher in the home; and a promise to talk to them about race in an empowering way so that they are prepared for the nonsense that society can present. These lessons continue throughout the book and even suggest that readers make a promise to hug their child and to tell them they love them. I am amazed by this particular lesson because I do not remember that I ever saw Michele or Joe hug their son in the documentary.
I did not like the insistence by the author’s claims that these lessons transcend race gender or color because this seemed somewhat apologetic — as if this was intended to make the book more appealing to a wider audience. Yet I recommend this book highly notwithstanding that minor criticism. This book offers a personal perspective and helps us understand that in publishing this book, they fought against cultural criticism that they aired black people’s dirty laundry by being so transparent. I think they fought against cultural pressure and wrote their story.
Brewster and Stephenson made themselves vulnerable. For their courage they must be commended. They should also be applauded for their stance that we must stop thinking of black male children as a problem and view them as the transformative individuals they are.
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