No One Comes Before Me, at least not for right now. I am retreating to and with myself. I cannot believe I said those words aloud. For the first time in a long time, I am putting myself, me, my dreams first. That’s what most of us do when we are young. We figure out how to get what we want, at any cost, and without regard for others. However, along our path of socialization, we start to get messages to buy into consideration for others. Women, more than men, are encouraged in this way as the person most responsible for maintaining the species.
With older sisters whose mistakes I observed, I knew early on that I wanted certain things and didn’t want others. To have any chance of experiencing these things that I dreamt of, I “felt” I needed to run away. In retrospect, I realize I was not necesaarily running to somewhere as much as I was running away from something in my mind, which means where I ended up was not always where I wanted to be.
Remembering that month a few years ago that I ran away to Granada, Spain. It was a good decision. I have retreated to myself. In my coaching practice, I encourage others to give themselves a break, to silence their inner critic, and to share their compassion and empathy with themselves. For some reason, we reserve these acts for others without thinking about ourselves. Then during the past summer during the Dream Yourself Awake Retreat, one of the participants shared that if she’d known the retreat activities would include some self investigation and compassion, she would have never come. It dawned on me at that moment that not everyone necessarily wants this kind of self-inquiry. On the other hand, I don’t think I could live without it. And so, when I ask myself what does success look like to me, it includes the ability to ponder a thought without guilt —- to use my time in the way I want at least some of the time. For the next several weeks, no one comes before me.
Now it is the time of COVID 19 and I am revisiting this feeling.
Pp says
This about brought me to tears. “We were once birds unafraid to fly into the dark.” I will be thinking all day about “tenderness unto the unknown is tenderness unto oneself.” I am remembering how to breathe deeply. Thank you siSTAR-friend
Jaki says
All praises for the affirmation of self worth. If we don’t look at all the hidden parts and buried questions we will never be able to sing the joys, mysteries, and magic into being.
It is a blessing to share this journey complete with all of its weariness and quirkiness with others who are determined to remember that once we were birds who were not afraid to fly in the dark.
Much tenderness for your heart and spirit. Tenderness unto the unknown is tenderness unto oneself.
Clara says
Without knowing it, I think I often retreated with myself and doing so was beneficial to my well being and success. You have reminded me that I often said that I don’t mind being by myself because “I like my own thoughts”.
Sadly, in recent years that has changed. My thoughts sometimes, more than I want, get really heavy. I then want to run away from them.
I am going to read your article a few more times because I believe each time I read it, I will gain more insight into self reflection/inquiry.
Thank you.
patriciaapatton says
No Clara. Thank you