We take for granted even when there is cloud cover that the sun will rise every day. But we are less sure about how to push forward when confronting phenomena like sickness. It shatters our faith because we can neither explain it away nor change its direction. I am dealing with sickness in my immediate family. And I want to help my sister who is suffering and at the same time to not focus on self.
The stockpile of schemas that I have compiled over my lifetime to help me explain Life walk me forward through my jangled emotions. But they do not answer the nagging question of why or tell me how to talk to my sister’s children. I am operating as an elder and at the same time as a child. I escape to Joseph Campbells’ “The Hero with a Thousand Faces,” thinking that I will find something calming in his classic study of all the mythologies of the world and the hero’s journey and transformation in life. But once again I run into myself: this time as an adult child experiencing the death of my own mother. I am on the east coast and my family is in the Pacific Northwest. They are all talking in riddles.
When I ask “How is my mother doing,” they respond, “She is okay.” Stevie Wonder however could see this is not an accurate response. But during these times of personal crisis, truth is elusive. There is only one thing they all agree upon and that is that no one knows. Hope and uncertainty combine. In my family, the philosophical overlay of Black Baptist teachings conclude it is no longer in human hands. So in fact, what they are expressing — that “She is okay” is truth to them.
I am an elder now. My perception of my responsibility is that I am a bridge. The previous generation is gone and I must talk to and comfort my sister and her children. I only know that I should be present and loving. I am trying to use discernment when talking to each child because not each one wants to know or needs the same thing. I must be mindful when answering questions to answer what is being asked and most importantly not to judge. Each encounter brings its own chemistry.
Please share what you have done in difficult times like these.
Photo: Jennifer Ellison
boomrwiz says
Love really is the bottom line and the ability to express it is its own reward. Thanks Shonda for sharing that.
Shonda Neal says
Having dealt with a great deal of loss and sickness of loved ones this past year I have come to the conclusion
that I am better off finding a beneficial way of dealing with these issues than I did this year. Although not many things in life are certain one thing I know for sure is that the older I get the more people I know will get sick and or die. What I discovered about myself is that it gave me a new opportunity to love and to express my love for that person. Love, for me is the bottom line to all whom entered my life that matter. Each of us has individual needs and ways of expressing our love and receiving love. These times affords us to be present to forgiveness and the ability to love unconditionally. That agape love. As heartwrenching as these moments are creating an atmosphere where your loved one can express their love and expressing my love
by being available to serve them is what soothes me and moves me to be fully self expressed.