No one wants to appear unsupportive. Her husband only wants the best for her good health and well-being. Intellectually he realizes the choice of treatment is hers. But in truth, he does not support her choice and feels she is being selfish.
In conversation she has told me that she has chosen to take her care into her own hands and that she is trying to save her life. But her husband is experiencing this alone. He cannot say what he feels because if he does his wife will feel he is insincere. This is a caregiver’s dilemma.
I am not a professional, just an observer and a supporter. I want the best for my friends and have directed them to AARP’s caregiving resource page. I have also directed them to Many Strong, an online support group, to help him manage his feelings of being overwhelmed.
These circumstances may warrant the help of a mental health professional. The truth is I don’t know what is best. For this reason, I encourage my caregiver friend to try to understand what his wife is experiencing even though he does not agree. Hopefully his commitment will help them through this very challenging time.
I am part of AARP’s kitchen cabinet on Caregiving. This is a series of posts on the topic of Caregiving. This post and my social media involvement being compensated, but all opinions are my own
Photo: By English: Clinic Painter (eponymous vase) Français : Peintre de la Clinique (vase éponyme) (User:Bibi Saint-Pol, own work, 2007-07-21) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Michael K. De Rosa says
Patricia,
You have posed a very important concern.
As caregivers, our strength of empathy can become our greatest weakness if we allow it to color our decision making with too many feelings instead of objectivity.
This concern you cited, I believe, is faced by us on a regular basis. (It is part of life!). Anyway, I have written a post (http://www.dismantlingdisabilities.com/six-great-little-words-2/) that, I think, can help us to face these times more effectively by way of showing the recipient of our care how we can and do identify with his/her struggles.
Blessings on your journey as a caregiver
-Michael
Patricia Patton says
Michael,
Thank you for reading my post. I had an opportunity to take a look at http://www.dismantlingdisabilities.com
Looks like you are doing good work. Again thank you.
Sharon - MomGenerations.com says
Such a powerful post, Patricia. I have a close friend who is facing a similar situation and I, too, have referred her to AARP resources. I hope a resolution is found to give them both a voice at this trying time. Thank you for sharing…
Patricia Patton says
Sharon
Thank you for popping over. I wish we could do more.
Sienna Jae Fein says
It quite common for cancer patients to reach out for alternative treatments. Caregivers sometimes feel left out of the decision, and if they believe strongly in medical intervention they experience something like resentment — they wonder if the time they’ve spent aiding in traditional ways seems valueless to the patient.
You’ve done a good thing in referring the family to AARP resources. You’ve also done a service to your Boomer-age readers, who will be called upon to act as caregivers to parents and spouses in the coming years.
Patricia Patton says
Hello Sienna
Everyone makes their own decisions, that is the crusty-old truth. Simple and scary. I am happy that AARP has amassed such a repository of information for their reader. Thank you for your support.
Patricia