I am a member of a Facebook group called GenFab composed of midlife or boomer bloggers. This week, GenFab hosted a Blog Hop in which all participants wrote a letter to their 20-year-old self. Well I am late to the party in that this began on Monday but what with Sandy and the Noreaster, well I just could not get it done any earlier than today. Please feel free to leave comments to your 20-year-old self as well, or to my 20-year-old self . Then read the letters from my fellow bloggers. If they’re not showing up below, you can find them all here.
You are a fearless young (very young) woman Patricia. I will give you that. Even though you have little real life experience or experience in taking care of yourself, you are confident that you CAN do this and that you will be able to do this on your own terms. So before you head off to San Francisco, here is what I want to share with you.
Bravado will take you far. But there is a difference between living an independent life and feeling true independence. You are running from a kind of life that will ensure you will not be trapped by a man, wo/man, fish or fowl. The early 1960’s white picket fence marriages of your two older sisters stands as a permanent reminder that what looks pretty may not feel pretty. And that happiness is no one’s responsibility but one’s own. Your problem is in putting this understanding in perspective so that you will be able to co-create an independent live with a companion.
I am concerned that you will roam the planet alone. So P, I encourage you to
- Watch your proud indicator. “Pride,” the old folks say, “comes before a fall.” Just trying to save you a little pain.
- Ask for what you want. No one can read your mind. Truthfully it is your job to let people know. Anyone who guesses correctly does not have super powers.
- Do not mis-read types. The tall silent type is just that: tall and silent. It does not mean they are deep.
- Remember, none of what will happen between you and the relationships you focus on is personal. Okay it is but it isn’t so don’t linger too long trying to figure it out. Just check your patterns.
- When you begin to seek someone to BE WITH and are grappling with whether they can take care of you, figure out your own definition of what it means for someone to take care of you. Is it money, smarts, a take-control attitude, the ability to comfort you or trust.
Thanks for your attention. I am smiling at you.
Lynn Forbes says
Great read. Perspective comes much later, but it’s the glue that allows everything to ultimately make sense and fall into place.
boomrwiz says
Could not agree with you more Lynn. Thanks for visiting the site.
Chloe Jeffreys says
Oh my, isn’t it the truth that the tall silent type really only means that they are tall and silent. Silence is not a sign of depth, and even so, what is the point of someone being deep if they aren’t willing to share those depths with anybody else? Those damned romance novels really do lead women into bad places sometimes.
And it can be a very fine line between independence and loneliness. Learning to co-depend on another human being in a healthy way take a lot of time, and maturity. The sort of maturity very few of us possess at 20 (or even 30).
boomrwiz says
I wanted to speak on that independence/loneliness equation. That has been a hard lesson for me. Co-dependence definitely takes time and maturity and I would add faith.
BigLittleWolf says
It’s so interesting how many women of our generation – and we really are a transitional generation – went for the picket fence, the need for a man, etc. I totally understand. I was raised that way, too, but perhaps seeing how unhappy my own mother was made me want something else entirely – and frankly – that was the direction I took in my life.
Oh, I fell for my share of tall, silent types, but I never expected the picket fence, 2.5 kids, etc., from those adventures.
Perhaps it’s the time I spent abroad – and at 20, I was abroad – and younger than that as well. (Thankfully!)
Still, asking for what we want – I believe it’s something that’s still harder for women than men. We seem to grow into it, thankfully, not only “asking” but believing we do not need permission! While we were considering asking, men – and I’m generalizing – were simply taking.
That, for me, has been a long, hard fought battle.
boomrwiz says
Well as I mentioned, I was a runner away from the status quo to create my new beginning. I ran from Seattle, to San Francisco to New York to out of the country. I have never regretted it. Oh yeah, the tall silent types were in every country.
Lisa @ Grandma's Briefs says
Such hard-won wisdom we’ve all gained between age 20 and now. Thank you for sharing…and for making me smile at your mention of the strong/silent type, which I, too, have (frustratingly) found to be so true.
boomrwiz says
Strong silent type = an over-active imagination and an inability to deal with reality. Thanks Lisa. Thanks a bunch to stopping by.
Helene Bludman says
Patricia, I also thought the white picket fence would lead to happiness. Only through our experiences have we gotten smarter about appearances. Really enjoyed your post.
boomrwiz says
The white picket fence still evokes an image. I am just happy that you took the time to read. Thanks Helene.
Walker Thornton (@WalkerThornton) says
Oh so true… don’t you wish we had all been wiser then. It’s taken me many years to understand the truth about happiness.
So glad to find you and see your entry in this ‘hop’.
boomrwiz says
Thanks for reading this Walker.Don Quixote and the happiness quest. I needed the stimulation of the GenFab community.BTW who are you named for?
Julie Danis says
Ditto what Robin said…”Ask for what you want.” So hard to use the “I” word.
boomrwiz says
I am right there with you Julie. Thanks for stopping by.
Robin says
“Ask for what you want”. Yes. It took me decades to finally be comfortable doing this.
boomrwiz says
This has been a lifelong lesson, mostly because of the need to always be clear about what that actually is. Thanks for your comment Robin.
Krystal Grant says
Oh the things I’d tell my 20 year old self….Wow, How I’ve changed! And how I’ve remained the same. Wouldn’t it be great if we could live life backward? We could carry all of our wisdom into our younger years.
boomrwiz says
Well that is profound Krystal. “How I have changed and how I have remained the same.” But at least that part of you that has remained the same can sometimes talk to the other part. The living life backward sounds good, but I would not have wanted to miss the excitement of learning how to take a chance, learning how to love unconditionally as a mother, learning how to trust my instincts, how to size up a set of circumstances, the absolute thrill of getting to know someone for the first several times, figuring out just how crazy I actually am and going deep. Even now it makes me smile.
Anne (@notasupermom) says
Yes! I had the same problem with the strong, silent type I thought was deep.
So glad you are part of GenFab, Patricia. I really enjoy your stories.
boomrwiz says
Thanks Anne. Some lessons die hard. Can’t figure out the origin of my fascination with this type except for late teen romance novels.
Laura Lee Carter aka the Midlife Crisis Queen says
Man it sure was tough being 20, wasn’t it? That’s some great advice…did you follow it? Laura Lee
boomrwiz says
Laura Lee the answer to your question is “Hell no. I did not follow my advice” But I wish I had.
Joy Weese Moll (@joyweesemoll) says
My 20-year old definitely need the advice about the tall, silent types. I saw depth where it wasn’t more than once!
I still needed the bit about being independent while also having a life-companion at age 30. That was such a hard one to work out.
Great piece!
boomrwiz says
Don’t feel badly Joy. I needed the lesson at 40 about co-create a life together theme. Thank you for your comment.