I don’t think the word “respite” was in my vocabulary before I turned 55 years old. Indeed I’d known other words, synonyms that meant rest or reprieve to address caregiver stress. But the word “respite” inferred that a rest or reprieve was needed because an unpleasant obligation was in progress. Among Caregiver-Friends in recent years, caregiver stress seems to be higher and I hear this word more often.
Wikipedia defines respite as temporary relief to those who are caring for family members who might otherwise require permanent placement. That accurately describes the circumstances of one of my friends enduring caregiver stress. She is 53 but since she began caring for her mother in her home I have watched her age and decline .
Like many people, my friend was deeply affected by the downturn in the economy over the past 5 years. She works hard on a commission basis as a broker and realtor. She has faced and withstood foreclosure attempts more than once. And emotionally, her mother’s declining health, inability to care for herself and the absence of help from other brothers and sisters has brought her to a breaking point. And to top it off, her mother fired the live-in Home Health Aide. At this point, my friend, not her mother, needed a respite badly.
Once she made the decision to find respite care, she in fact began planning a permanent respite for her Mother. In an act of self love and in the absence of help from other family members, she told her Mother a white lie. The story was that her Mother would temporarily go into respite care while certain renovations were made in her home. This, she felt, was the only way she could get agreement from her mother — to sell he on the idea that this was a temporary solution.
I felt strange about the way my friend went about this. But I have since come to understand that it is not that unusual for a person being cared for to be resistant to outside help, and to sometimes be delusional about the care they actually needed. And while this is important, it does not begin to consider the mental stress that caregiving causes for the Caregiver no matter how much love and dedication is involved.
It has been 3 weeks and there is a marked difference in my friend’s attitude and appearance. This is evidenced by her interest in exercise and dating. Her mother is roughly 15 minutes away from her by car and she can reach her easily. The facility is better equipped to handle her mother physically than she was at home. And her mother is reasonably happy. Quite truthfully, her mother now has more companionship than she had in the home environment.
But most important, my friend has done what she needed to do to take care of herself. She will be much more useful to her mother feeling good. For additional resources, visit AARP’s resource center for specific information on managing stress.
If you are engaged in caregiving do you have any experience with stress. If so, how have you handled it?
I am part of AARP’s kitchen cabinet on caregiving. This is a series of posts on the topic of caregiving. This post and my social media involvement is compensated, but all opinions are my own.
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